Hold My Hand
by GleeFanFicForev
Summary: Ever since Santana found herself, all she wanted was Brittany. Throughout this story, Santana will discover who she is and how much she can really love someone else. Read & Review! Brittana fic!  :
1. Inner Strength

**3****rd**** Person**

"Santana this is good for you, for us, as a family" Maria Lopez told her only daughter softly.

"Mom, family therapy is not the answer to our 'no-communication' problem" Santana said in an irritated voice in response to her mother.

"You know what? Maybe it's not, but can you just do it this once for your father and me? It would mean so much to us…" Maria looked at Santana sympathetically.

"It really would, princess" Jeremy Lopez said, trying to convince the defiant teen.

"Fine" She told her parents in an extremely flat and monotone voice.

**Santana's POV**

Why the hell am I doing this? I thought to myself. Oh right, because my parents think we never _talk. _Ever since I quit the Cheerios my parents think I have a million problems, maybe it's because I'm not spending every waking moment of my life obeying Coach Sylvester and they actually see me on a regular basis. In all honesty, I do have one problem that could equal up to one million if you squinted. I am a lesbian. A closeted one at that…the only person that knows is Brittany. It is so hard to pretend that I'm straight when my mom points out "attractive" boys around town. I mean, yeah they're nice looking, but not for me. My parents don't exactly know about my track record of sleeping with almost every guy I meet, but they know that I usually have some kind of arm candy or boyfriend. They are constantly asking me 'What happened to that nice Sam boy?' or Puck and sometimes Finn. I just answer with 'Were just friends now'. Which isn't a lie, at all…well maybe for Finn, we kind of hate each other's guts. My folks aren't complete idiots; they just know something is up so that's why I'm here. But that crazy lady ain't getting anything out of me.

We all walked quietly into a fancy looking black marble building. As we strode inside, my parents exchanged glances that meant things that I didn't know, probably about me in one way or another. "Mr. Lopez" the receptionist gestured to my dad "Mrs. Lopez" she did that same for my mom "Welcome back! I see you have a third edition to your party today" She smiled a very toothy smile. Yeah, some party this is, I thought to myself.

My father smiled proudly as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder "Yes we do, our beautiful daughter, Santana" I tried my best to force a smile. "Well, hopefully you find this place to your liking and comfort" the receptionist stated in an I-really-could-care-less-if-you-like-it-here-but-I-get-paid-well-so-I"ll-say-shit-like-this-anyway voice. We all sat in cushioned seats and read old copied of People magazine.

"Jeremy, Maria, I can take you now" a dark haired woman that looked about 50 said in a soft voice. I got up tentatively, not wanting to do this at all. "Oh" the woman smiled nicely "Is this your daughter?" I nodded. She smiled at me "Dr. Hart". Of course that's your name, I thought. "Santana" I shook back managing a half smiled and a fake happy voice.

"Well don't be strangers you three! Come in, come in!"

**3****rd**** Person**

"Dr. Hart, could I speak with you for a minute before we begin?" Maria asked quietly. "Of course" they stepped out of the office, closing the door behind them.

"I wanted to see if you could talk to Santana for us, you don't have to tell Jeremy and I what she said, but I need to know that she has an adult to speak with" Maria asked as a small tear fell from the corner of her eye. "What is it that upsets you about this?" Dr. Hart asked, noticing Mrs. Lopez's tears. "Joann" She used Dr. Hart's name "she has been so distant since the beginning of the year. She quit cheerleading and now that I see her, I've noticed how much of different girl she has become since high school started. We try, we really do, but she just doesn't have anything to say to us. I think she might feel comfortable talking to someone who can work around her emotions and get her to talk about anything that may be wrong." Maria told the psychiatrist.

"Don't worry darling, I deal with this a lot. Do you want me to start off by talking to her today?" Joann asked in an understanding voice. Maria nodded.

The two entered the room quietly to find Santana engrossed in texting and Jeremy looking solemnly out the large window.

**Santana's POV **

My mom walked over to me and gave me a soft smile before patting my knee. "Dr. Hart is going to talk with you privately for a little while" I began to hyperventilate, I can't do this! "Mom" I said through gritted teeth "No" I finished. "Santana, I'm putting my foot down. This is what's best for you, please. Just please, do this." If she was putting her foot down, then why did she feel the need to plead her case? I just looked at her and rolled my eyes "Fine, I'll do it." She smiled happily "Thank you sweetheart."

After my parents left the room, Dr. Hart motioned to the comfy looking chair across from her. I moved, defeated, to the seat. "So, Santana, tell me about yourself" Dr. Hart asked me.

"What do you want to know?" I replied.

"What do you like to do, at school or in your free time?" the question was so generic, but it never supplied an ordinary answer.

"Uhm, I like to sing, I'm in my school's Glee Club" I half smiled at the memories of the terribly mis-matched, dysfunctional family that in secret, meant the world to me.

"Very good, singing is great outlet for teens these days" she said happily. Outlet? What the hell? She saw my confusion and elaborated "you know, it's an outlet because so many of today's artists like to really connect to their listeners and sometimes a song can express a lot more than talking to someone ever can."

"Yeah"

"You're mother said you quit cheerleading earlier this year" of course she did "why is that, Santana?"

"I-well…the coach wasn't very…caring of the girls on the squad. So, me and my friends quit in respect for ourselves and the Glee Club." Did I really just say that?

"If it was the right decision for you, then I respect you taking action for yourself" she smiled "Now, you said you quit along with your friends? Tell me about them." She looked deeply into my eyes.

"Uh..well their names are Quinn and " I paused gulping "Brittany. We Quinn isn't exactly my _friend _but uhm, Brittany is." Images of the girl I loved passed through my mind rapidly and I blinked back tears, knowing that we were on a brink, the brink of not being friends at all. Whenever I have been given the chance to be with her, I back out…and she was getting tired of it.


	2. Inner Strength Part 2

"Oh, ok" Dr. Hart smiled "do you get along well with Brittany?"

"Yeah, were pretty much best friends" I smiled.

"So, do you believe that she is something positive in your life?"

"Y-yes o-of course" I stammered, I mean yeah, she was the _only _positive thing in my life but was she was causing me to realize the most negative aspects of it.

She eyed me curiously. "You seem unsure"

"I-I'm sure, there is no question about it" Damn it Santana! Stop stammering! I inwardly cursed myself.

"Santana, it seems I may have hit a bump in the road with you and I don't want to make you feel rushed or uncomfortable here. So, for me to understand more about you, let's go back a little to understand and evaluate how your life has changed." She eyed me softly, I felt sorta powerless under her gaze.

"Did my…" I trailed off "Yes, your mom said that you had changed a lot since high school started".

"Oh, of course" I said rudely.

"Santana, don't feel pressured, I just want to talk to you and help you" Dr. Hart looked at me in a concerned way.

I exhaled "Well after middle school, I decided that I really wanted to be in the Cheerios. I mean, I had always enjoyed dance so I figured that cheerleading was a good way to be active in school and make new friends."

"And what about becoming a Cheerio really changed you as a person? That seemed to be what changed you, from what you said. But, Santana, what about it altered you?" This is it, getting down to some pretty personal stuff here.

"Brittany" I blurted without thinking. Shit, shit, shit! "I mean, she i-is just such a great friend and um, I'd never really had a friend quite like her…" Oh yeah, that was true in more ways than one way.

"So do you feel she may have changed you so drastically, that it has made others think you weren't even… you anymore?"

I was at a loss for words, it all hurt so much. On the outside I was Santana Lopez, beautiful, witty and a bitch. On the inside, I was scared, hurt, hopelessly in love, and the cause was my not-so-new-found sexuality. When Dr. Hart kept looking at me, expecting an explanation as to why I am so defiant and different, all of my walls fell down. I couldn't hold back the waterfalls of tears spilling over my perfectly bronzed cheeks. I closed my eyes tight, hoping to open them and find that this was all a nightmare. But when I opened them, I was looking at Dr. Hart again.

"Santana, I will listen to whatever you say and pose no judgment" she handed me a tissue box.

I wiped my eyes, careful not to smudge my eye makeup. I couldn't hide anymore. I had to talk to someone. "Well, during sophomore year, we realized we could do a lot more than makeup at sleepovers but we never carried any emotions with or actions." I paused breathing heavily.

"So you're saying, you discovered sex could be something for you two to do?" There was no judgment or disgust in her voice, just curiosity.

"Um, y-y-yeah. We never really were anything except best friends aside from that time, I still dated guys and slept with them and Brittany did the same. But, during the early spring of this year, my junior year, she started really questioning what our relationship meant and she doesn't usually do things such as that. It made me think deeply about things that I tried to push away. What I realized, as a person, is that I w-was a lesbian." I exhaled a sharp breath and Dr. Hart nodded as I continued "After I collected myself, I confided in her what she really m-meant to me. Brittany did feel the same way but she had a boyfriend at the time…and it really threw me off kilter that I was so stuck. Stuck loving someone who wasn't able to be with me and if we did express that love anywhere except privacy, we would be made fun of, laughed at, bullied and even targets of h-h-hate crimes.." I wiped a tear away. "Her and her boyfriend broke up though and um, she gave me an opportunity to go to prom with her and it was what I had been waiting for but I got so scared of the repercussions at the last minutes and backed out. Now, our relationship is extremely strained." I finished, not sure of what else to say.

"Santana, thank you so much for telling me this, do you feel this is why you are so different, because you are struggling with your sexuality?" Dr. Hart asked me caringly.

"Y-yes." I stated softly.

"You know, you are not alone. Many people encounter this crisis. Aside from me, do you feel there is someone that you can really confide in that could understand your situation?"

I pondered and an imaginary light bulb lit up above my head. "Yeah, um, I have a friend named Kurt who is also gay and he went through this and well…he still is…but he is proud of who he is." I looked downward, ashamed that I had just admitted to my low self confidence.

She seemed to notice "Santana, it was probably just as hard for him as you, and what you're saying is he is more proud of who he is. Maybe, he felt it was easier to accept himself rather than worry about trying to change who he is. I think it would be mentally healthy if you tried to discover all that is great about yourself and who you are, because the girl I see here is very tough and has a lot of walls up around her heart that, if they came down, would reveal a very special and wonderful girl. If people choose to beat you down for, they're not worth it."

"Thank you" I smiled "but, I think I-I need to go now" I hopped up and ran out the door. I slowed as I noticed my parents in the waiting room. They looked up and grinned. "So how-"I cut my mom off. "I need to go home, now. You and dad can stay and do your therapy but I just need to have some time alone. I can walk from here, it's not that far." I looked at her waiting for a yes. "Ok, but be safe." I jogged out as fast as I could as tears streamed down my face. I knew what I needed and it wasn't home.

I approached McKinley High as the sun began to set. I went to the side door that opened to the auditorium and used a bobby pin to open the lock. Ok, so I've jimmied a few locks in my time...finally I got the door open. As if I was being watched, I checked all around me to make sure no one was there.

I made my walk up to the stage slowly, taking in the sight of the cushioned red seats, the dimly lit floors and finally the place I wanted to be. As always a black grand piano stood proudly slightly off center toward the left side of the stage, if you looked at it from an audience point of view. I sat cautiously on the creeky bench and let my fingers glide over the keys as I began to play a song that reflected everything I needed to learn about myself.

_Gotta find your inner strength  
>If you can't then just throw life away<br>Gotta learn to rely on you_

_Beauty, strength, and wisdom, too  
>You're beautiful inside and out<br>Lead a great life without a doubt  
>Don't need a man to make things fair<br>'Cuz more than likely he won't be there  
>Listen girl, gotta know it's true<br>In the end all you've got is you_

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Review! I will have chapter 2 up soon! Sorry there wasn't really any Brittana in this chapter, but I had to set up the story! Xoxo(: 3 .com/watch?v=mAxjoE6TqEo**


	3. Lean On Me

I exhaled quietly as a small tear fell from my eye and ran slowly down my face. To my surprise (and startle) I heard a loud applause from the dark and a figure slowly made its way into the light. I panicked and hoped to god that it wasn't a deranged serial killer. But…it was defiantly not any kind of killer, unless of course Kurt Hummel had taken a highly different lifestyle choice. "That was brilliant Santana" Kurt stated breathlessly as he wiped his misty eyes. "You have brought tears to my eyes Miss Lopez" he smiled and extended his arms for a hug as he saw my flowing tears. I began to sob in his embrace. "Shhhh, shhhh, it's ok hun…" Kurt comforted me.

"Wh-why are you doing this, being s-so nice to me?" I asked him, bewildered.

"Ah, Santana, you see that question is where you went wrong." He chuckled "I believe it would've been more appropriate to ask 'Kurt what the hell are you doing here?' Am I wrong?" he smiled curiously at me.

I smiled a little at his flamboyant humor. "In that case" I grinned "Kurt! What the hell are you doing here! You scared the shit out of me, I thought you were a freaking serial killer!" he chuckled lightly at me.

"Darling, I come here all the time! You think I've never watched you jimmy a lock? I know how things are done, and what sensible soprano male doesn't carry a bobby pin with him at all times?" he winked "Today was more of an 'audience view point' kind of day for me. I like to sit and wonder- when I'm on a Broadway stage- what people will think of me as a performer. It sounds out of the ordinary…but then again…" he babbled on.

"Kurt, that's really great and all" I paused and patted his shoulder dramatically "but I really want to know why you're being so nice to me." I tilted my head.

"Well, young Santana, contrary to your popular belief, I wasn't born yesterday dear. Proper manners are to console someone when they are crying. Just being a gentleman." He scoffed and I burst out laughing, just at how he talked. It was like how Berry talked, but not as annoying, just entertaining. Soon after I began, Kurt burst into laughter as well.

"oooookaaayy" Kurt chocked out while he was continuing his laughter. He immediately stopped. "I think we need to talk sweetheart" he told me whilst patting my leg. "Why do you think that?" I asked, suddenly going serious.

"For starters, you sang a very deeply emotional song and you were just sobbing like a baby to me. Call me crazy, but I think something seems wrong." He eyed me softly.

"Kurt…" I trailed off. Why was I having such a hard time telling_ Kurt_ this? For god's sake! Pull yourself together Lopez! "K-Kurt. I'm upset because…I love Brittany."

"Oh" he pondered "I see. And why is that upsetting you?"

"Because Kurt! I love her _so_ much, _SO MUCH_! Can't you see? I'm angry! Angry th-that, I'm ashamed of who I am! Angry that Brittany gave me chances to be with her and _everytime_, I've chickened out because I am so _scared_!" I sobbed into his shoulder. "Now she doesn't even talk to me" I began shaking with sadness and cried harder. My vision became blurry. "I love her so much."

Kurt looked at me with complete sympathy "Santana, I respect you more than ever" he paused and pulled me into a tight and loving hug "I'm here for you" he mumbled into my neck. "Thank you Kurt" I said softly.

"What you need" he put his hand out for me to grab "is a girl's night!" I giggled and happily took his hand. "Really…you want to hang out with me?" I asked questioningly.

"Of course! Like they say, true love-or in this case true friendship- springs from true hate. Not that I've ever hated you. I just don't think we've ever got along…but that is besides the point! We are starting _Senior_ year in two weeks! Why not start fresh now?" he smiled and all I could do was nod and smile widely at him.

We walked in silence to Kurt's SUV, just merely enjoying each other's company. We each went to our respective sides, him to the driver's and I to the passenger's. He started his car and plugged in his iPhone.

"Why don't we sing my lady?" he said excitedly. I nodded quickly, I really love singing. "Ok so, I buy a ton of karaoke songs on iTunes so I can sing the songs…and I pretty much have a playlist consisting of only them…" I understood now.

"And, you would like me to join you in singing Mr. Hummel?" I smiled and he nodded enthusiastically. "YAYYY!" he clapped and pressed shuffle while backing out of the parking spot. The unmistakable instrumental of Rascal Flatt's hit played through the speakers. I sang the first verse:

(_Santana_**, Kurt**)

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
>That don't bother me<br>I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out_

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though  
>Goin' on with you gone <em>_**still upsets me**_**  
>There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay<br>But that's not what gets me  
><strong>  
><em><strong>What hurts the most<br>Was being so close  
>And havin' so much to say<br>And watchin' you walk away**_

_**And never knowin'  
>What could've been<strong>_  
><em>And not seein' that lovin' you<br>Is what I was tryin' to do_

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go  
>But I'm doin' it<br>_**It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
>Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret<br>**  
><em>But I know if I could do it over<br>I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
>That I left unspoken<em>

_**What hurts the most  
>Is being so close<br>**__And havin' so much to say  
><em>**(Much to say)**_**  
><strong>__And watchin' you walk away_

_And never knowin'  
>What could've been<br>And not seein' that lovin' you  
>Is what I was tryin' to do, oh<br>Oh yeah_

**What hurts the most  
>Was being so close<br>And havin' so much to say  
><strong>_(To say)_  
><strong>And watchin' you walk away<strong>

_And never knowin'  
>What could've been<br>And not seein' that lovin' you  
>Is what I was tryin' to do<br>_  
><em><strong>Not seein' that lovin' you<br>That's what I was trying to do, **__ooo_

"Tana! That was fabulous!" Kurt cried happily.

"Why thank you sir!" I laughed "Likewise" I winked jokingly.

"How about going to get some dinner? And not Breakstix, no need to worry about running into others raining on our rainbow day parade" he chuckled. "Does Olive Garden sound satisfactory?" he asked.

"Yes! I am starving!" I screeched.

We got to Olive Garden and we were quickly seated by a friendly hostess. "April will be right with you two" she smiled nicely. Kurt and I scanned our menus and each decided that soup, salad and breadsticks sounded delicious before our waitress even arrived.

A loud gasp came out of nowhere as Kurt and I began a conversation. "Well, well, well! If it isn't two members of my very favorite show choir in the world!" the platinum blonde April Rhodes exclaimed to us. "Hey April!" we said in synchrony. "You guys look as cute as ever" she ruffled Kurt's hair, much to his disappointment. "Where are my manners?" She mockingly rolled her eyes "Welcome to Olive Garden! My name is April and I will be taking care of y'all this evening, can I start you off with something to drink?" she giggled as well as Kurt and I.

"I'll have a coke" I told her, Kurt ordered the same. To our confusion, April came back with our drinks and an iHome holding a hot pink iPod nano.

"Don't act like you've never seen one!" she laughed at her own words "Get up and let's show this crowd how we do it here in Lima!" Kurt and I exchanged strained glances. He gave a shrug as to say, what've we got to lose?

"Hey y'all! I'm April Rhodes, former struggling Broadway performer" she said in her southern accent, she chuckled at herself "and these are my two good friends Kurt and Santana from William McKinley High School! They happen to be very talented performers. You all have the pleasure of enjoying an impromptu performance by us three this evening, so sit back and see how we do things here in Lima!" April winked as the audience began to clap and cheer. "You'll know this one, I promise!" she whispered to us._**  
><strong>_

(_Santana_, **Kurt**, April)

There'll be no strings to bind your hands  
>not if my love can't bind your heart.<br>_And there's no need to take a stand  
>for it was I who chose to start.<br>_**I see no need to take me home,  
>I'm old enough to face the dawn.<strong>

_Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL  
>just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.<br>Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL_  
><strong>then slowly turn away from me.<br>**  
><span>Maybe the sun's light will be dim<br>and it won't matter anyhow.  
><span>_If morning's echo says we've sinned,  
>well, it was what I wanted now.<br>_**And if we're the victims of the night,  
>I won't be blinded by light.<br>**  
><em><span><strong>Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL<br>just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.  
>Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL<br>**_**then slowly turn away,**  
><em>I won't beg you to stay with me<br>through the tears of the day,  
>of the years, <em>_**baby baby baby.**_  
><em><span><strong>Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL<br>just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.**_

_**Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL  
>just touch my cheek before you leave me, darlin.<br>Just call me angel of the morning ANGEL**_

_**just touch my cheek before you leave me, darlin.**_

The packed restaurant roared with applause as we all sat, smiling from ear to ear. "Kurt, that was amazing!" I shouted over the crowd.

He answered breathlessly "I knowwwww!"

April gave us each a friendly hug and said "Thank you, for singing with me. That was wonderful, I just wish more of my customers were as…um open to singing so spontaneously…." She laughed loudly and bided us farewell, as we chomped down on the food that had miraculously arrived to the table. Kurt and I chatted about many different things- from fashion, to school, too family issues, as well as Blaine and everything in between. It had been just the night I needed, nothing could damper my mood.

Suddenly my ringtone filled the chatty room, causing me to jump a little. "Last Friday Night, eh San?" Kurt joked.

"Hey! I like this song!" I giggled. "I'll be right back, I'm gonna take this" I got to the front lobby area and answered without looking at the caller i.d.

"Hello?" I said in a normal voice.

"Hey San…it's Brittany."

Author's Note: OOOOOOO! What shall come nexxxt? You will see! Do you like my Kurtana friendship; personally I think it's adorable. I think the writers should do that next season! :D Love y'all! review! & p.s: what did you think of April popping up? (: REVIEWWWW Pss: (in case you didn't know) the first song K&S sang was "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts and the song K/S/A sang was "Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton. They are both great songs, look 'em up if you don't already know the songs :D they are uber awesome((:_****_


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